You did what your majority party is known for: you took a complicated problem and simplified it to fit your ideology. As a post-op trans woman, I don’t usually question my gender, and it hasn’t come up in my home state or any of my travels when I’ve used the bathroom — I have long used the appropriate bathroom. But now, thanks to Florida’s hard work, Florida has determined I should pee and shower — vulva, breasts, and all —as a man.

Here’s the letter I’d send you.

An Open Letter

Dear Florida Politicians,

I want to thank the State of Florida’s legislature and governor for the recent legislation you created! As always, you provide a simple response to a complicated topic.

As a neurodivergent person, I’m always bothered by gray areas and ambiguity, so I’m thrilled that the State of Florida has chosen to help me out and make my complex gender simpler! Government, particularly the major party in charge of Florida, at its best takes complicated problems and fits them to simple solutions, as evidenced by the outstanding work of the Florida Legislature and Governor’s office! In my own home state, I find myself dealing with ambiguities sometimes — for instance, my birth certificate, driver’s license, name, dress, genitals, breasts, and other secondary sex characteristics all shout “female!” to most people. But, no, rather than thinking about all these ways which I’m unambiguously female, I could spend time thinking about how I might have a Y chromosome (although my chromosomes have never been tested, so I can only hope!) and I might have produced sperm (although having no offspring and never having had my sperm tested while I could have, I don’t know this for sure). While I’m in Florida, I won’t have to deal with any of this wokeness crap where I know my sex — Florida knows my sex better than me! As they’ve shown me, it is what’s on the inside (of your cells and gonads, at least the gonads you had at birth) that counts, after all.

Since you passed this law, I am looking forward to visiting your state–your tourism people tell me that Florida has some of the best beaches and resorts in the world, and I plan on taking advantage of them! I may even check out city recreation facilities. Before, where I might have entered the women’s locker room and changed discreetly (despite having the same parts as most other users of that room), now I don’t need to be as careful in Florida. Florida has made it clear: I have male genitalia! Sure, it’s an innie rather than an outie, but while other states would consider a vulva to be female, the Florida legislature and governor have eliminated that confusion: I’m, in Florida, legally a male with an innie. While I recognize the citizens of Florida have an international reputation of having a high standard of critical thinking and judgment, occasionally people from Florida must make mistakes and confuse a male for a female — fortunately should anyone do that and ask me why I’m showering in the men’s locker room, I can just let them know that they should look closer at my (presumed) chromosomes and how my reproductive system was oriented at birth (which of course doesn’t look like it does now, but I’m sure Floridians can look back in time fine). Likewise, because I’m male, I’ll be more comfortable wearing board shorts and no top, so I won’t have any pesky tan lines across my chest when I return home (after all, rather than female breasts, Florida knows I have a male chest)! I’m confident that Floridians will be able to discern my presumed chromosomes and will embrace your government mandate that I am male.

Florida is also apparently providing opportunities for children that few other states provide. Since people like me will need to use male showers and locker rooms, this must be to provide an educational opportunity for children. In my home state, I’d use the women’s shower and nobody would get any sort of education. After all, people outside of Florida can’t see back in time or into the inside of cells, and thus people outside of Florida would be focused on trivial externalities such as genitals. I guess this educational opportunity makes sense to Floridians, as Florida has banned discussion of trans people in schools, so this education will need to take place outside of the formal educational system. It’s better to find out in the locker room than Porn Hub, right (although I’ll note that trans porn is apparently most popular in Florida)? Florida must know that their parents enjoy these conversations with their children, so I suspect Florida believes my presence in the bathroom or shower will help with father/son bonding by allowing a boy ask his dad questions like, “Dad, why is there a girl in this locker room?” or “Dad, why doesn’t she have a pee-pee?” or even “How does she pee?” (Floridian Kids, unlike Floridian adults, don’t yet have fully developed chromosome detection skills)

Likewise, I’m looking forward to using urinals again. While I’ll need to carry a “Shewee” to use them (I mean it’s not easy to aim a urethra opening situated between labia, nor does it look comfortable to sit on a urinal), I appreciate that it’ll be easier to have friendly conversation with others in the bathroom room while standing at a urinal rather than sitting in a stall. Besides, the women’s room sometimes has long lines (a problem Florida is not focused on), particularly at places such as large government facilities like convention centers. Now, I can meet and talk with other people while doing my business and without needing to wait in line or dealing with any pesky toilet partitions! If anyone has any concerns, I’ll just remind them that Florida politicians have found a simple solution to the complexities of human biology,

So, again, thank you for your open-mindedness in allowing me into men’s facilities and your willingness to simplify complexity, even when others have tried and failed because bodies like mine don’t fit neatly into boxes. You simply declared my vulva, vagina, breasts, body fat distribution, muscle structure, etc, are male, and thus they are!

— Sincerely, a future Florida visitor

A Note that Shouldn’t be Necessary, but…

Yes, this letter is sarcasm, and, no, I don’t intend to show any children my genitals, even though Florida law, by defining me as a sex I’m not, would seemingly make it legal for me to use male showers even in the presence of boys — without the need to cover or hide my vulva. Instead of solving a problem, Florida has created one. More seriously, these rules would place people like me at extreme risk, which is of course the intent: it’s to bully, harm our self-confidence, trigger our dysphoria, and otherwise make it clear that we’re less-than, all while exposing trans people to legal sanctions and/or violence, as would likely happen if I actually used a locker room in the presence of someone’s little boy. Combined with “groomer” rhetoric and a well-armed population, Florida has primed parents to “defend their children.” Florida politicians know this and consider it a feature, not a bug: they confuse strength with cruelty.

I also want to know that while I write from my own experience, I believe in the rights of other trans people who have not had surgeries to use bathrooms and locker rooms as they always have. I’ve never seen anyone else’s genitals in a public bathroom so I’m not sure what the issue is here, other than simple bias (but if we want to talk about more bathroom issues, trans people would be glad to talk about it even though Florida might not care about our safety). I know that trans women who use locker rooms and showers almost always go to extreme efforts to avoid making others uncomfortable (although I will note that feeling uncomfortable is subjective, while actually being unsafe is objective, and perhaps we shouldn’t make laws focused on the first, particularly when they only care about some people’s comfort and disregard other peoples’ comfort).

If we want to have discussions about privacy, I’m sure the trans community would be glad to have that discussion. From high school (the last time I was forced to use a locker room) up until I had surgery, I never used a locker room. I missed the opportunity to take care of my health and fitness. It would have been wonderful to have private changing areas for everyone, so nobody is parading around a locker room naked, with or without kids present. That’s a problem that is solvable, in part, through building codes. If privacy was actually important enough to the State of Florida: we could build facilities where nobody parades around naked in front of kids, regardless of what parts they might have. It would also make your trans citizens and visitors more comfortable. Isn’t that worth a few dollars of additional cost when remodeling old buildings and building new ones — or is safety and privacy only a smokescreen for fear and discrimination? (don’t answer that, the answer is obvious)