Gendered Thoughts

Trans people are hurting right now, particularly in the United States.

What can cis people do to support them?

First, believe us. When we tell you something is unsafe, don’t tell us it is safe. Don’t tell us that we’re going to be safe. This is probably the number one thing I see cis people do — it is painful how dangerous the world is for us, and some people would prefer to believe we’re exaggerating. We’re not. And dismissing our safety concerns makes us unsafe.

Second, we’re not here to explain why simple views about trans athletes (as you’ll hear from the right) are wrong. Go do your own research. That goes for other trans issues too. Ideally, read *trans* sources. There are trans biologists that can explain biology (probably better than cis men podcasters — imagine that!). Want to know about surgery or what the legal process for trans people is? It’s all online. Trans people are tired. We don’t want to educate you.

Third, don’t love us “no matter what.” That’s what you tell someone who did something wrong. Just celebrate with us when we have joy, and cry with us when we have pain.

Next, don’t tell us you support us. Well, that’s fine to do, but on its own, it doesn’t mean much. Instead fight for us. You don’t need to go to a march. But you do need to tell your friend to shut his mouth when he makes the tr***y joke. Correct your sister when she misgenders or deadnames us (“She’s going by Tricia now” is really all you need to say).

Don’t support organizations, politicians, or entertainers, who are loudly transphobic. If you’re listening to Jordan Peterson, have a stack of Harry Potter books nearby, or have a Trump hat, know your trans friends generally are going to notice that transphobia is something you tolerate. We don’t expect perfection here — it’s okay to enjoy some stuff from less-than-perfect humans, but if they are loud about hating us, that’s not anywhere near the line, it’s far, far over it.

Importantly, do not out us. Even if we’re out publicly, please don’t use us to get ally points with your friends! Instead just refer to us with our name and pronouns, as you would any cis person. If someone is not out “everywhere,” ask them how you should refer to them in public, I.E. what pronouns and name. Maybe at work they are going by one gender, but in the evenings they go by another. Maybe their family doesn’t yet know. Different trans people will have different concerns. That said, if someone is living as themselves everywhere (“full time” in trans terms), just treat them like anyone else!

When inviting us to do so stuff or go places, consider our safety. If you don’t know how to evaluate that (a lot of people don’t), invite us to help select a destination or something. You don’t need to make it a trans thing, you can just say, “I’d love to grab dinner with you, what do you think about the diner on Main, or someone else if you would prefer!” And include us, even if it means changing your plans if something would have been dangerous for us.

Recognize bad things happen to us, and mourn with us when they do. I’d strongly suggest attending a local Transgender Day of Remembrance later this month (it is done every November, and most cities will have a local one). Even if your trans friend doesn’t go with you (it can be painful for us). Your presence there, that you could be bothered to spend a couple hours of your year thinking about the violence done to trans people, will be noticed.

If you share our gender, invite us to do gendered things with you — for trans women, if you’re a woman that might mean inviting us to come along to a spa day with you or go together to get nails done or go to do a girl’s night together. If you’re a guy, that might be going to the gym or watch the football game together or whatever else it is that men do! Invite your trans woman coworker to the women’s group at work, ask the trans guy to get drinks with the guys after work, and invite non-binary people to do things that they may not get to do often. We may not get a lot of opportunities where we know we’re welcome in a gendered space, and you can help us be welcome. It doesn’t need to be weird, just treat us like you treat anyone else of our gender.

Finally, celebrate the things we celebrate. Celebrate when we change our name or have a surgery or do something that matches our gender or whatever else. And the non-trans stuff too–we’re more than one dimensional people! Trans joy can be amazing, and you can share in that!